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In the Arab world, the role a father plays in the upbringing of his children is shifting. In response to economic necessities and the presence of satellite television, fathers have found themselves spending less time with their children. They rely on their wives and the educational system to fill in the absences they have left behind. Yet in Syria, as in countries across the Arab world, the educational system is flawed. It is based on religion and often does not challenge the students’ minds. Children are taught in an atmosphere of intimidation, frightened by the corporal punishment still used in many schools.We spoke with a number of fathers about how they perceived their relationships with their children, the school systems their children attended and how their financial circumstances affect their interactions with their children. Nearly all expressed concern that the need to make money to support their families left them unable to spend time with their children.
Abu Omar is a shopkeeper and a muezzin. His religious mindset greatly influenced his ideas about how children ought to be raised. “Religion is first,” he told us. “The most important thing is that the child is brought up to practice prayer and good Islamic ethics.” To Abu Omar, the idea that fathers are increasingly absent in their children’s life was no surprise, given the recent rise in costs of living. He himself spends almost twelve hours a day away from his house, he admitted.
Abu Omar was less concerned about the absence of the father than the presence of televisions in children’s lives. “TV has become the source of immortality,” he argued. “I personally prefer not to have one in my house, despite the fact that it has become a necessity. As for computers, they don’t seem to be very necessary. Besides, I can’t even afford one.”
A question we asked each father was whether they would be ready to attend a lecture about modernizing education and child rearing on a weekly basis. Abu Omar was dismissive of the idea. “That’s nice,” he said, “but if you can earn a single cent more these days to spend on your children, that would be time better spent than empty talk.”
Abu Ziad, a taxi driver, agreed with Abu Omar about the value of seminars on education and child rearing, citing the need to earn money as a reason he wouldn’t attend. He expressed more concern than Abu Omar about fathers not having time to spend at home. He also blamed the economy for making absent fathers a more common phenomenon. He complained that he didn’t have much time to spend with his own children, and he relied on his wife to keep him informed about what is happening in his family’s life.
He told us, “Raising your children requires a state of being economically comfortable and capable of meeting all your needs financially. Otherwise, the father of a family will be absent and consequently his relationships with his children will be more difficult and more complicated.” An ideal relationship between father and son is one where the child respects and fears his father, but always knows his father is a safe refuge for him. The father’s authority must not be questioned, but the child shouldn’t feel deprived of his own freedom. Abu Ziad concluded wistfully that he used to have the time to tell his children a story every evening, but now, with the economy the way it is, he barely sees his kids any more.
“I wish I could take my family on a trip to the sea this summer, or get my kids registered at a sports club in an effort to make them happy. But I can’t afford all that for them.” He wished he at least had more time with them, worrying that “satellite channels are supplanting our [the parents’] role in rearing our own children.”
Abu Jihad, like the two other fathers interviewed, spends a lot of his time at work. His ten hour days, however, don’t impede his time with his children, he assured us. He is there every morning with them before they go to school, and often they spend their lunches together. He believes that a father’s presence is crucial in raising children. “I work for their sakes,” he said. “Therefore I see my kids as of the same importance as work. For my part, I am providing my children with everything they want. What I ask in return is that they do their best in school. Really, what I’m concerned about is that I don’t want them to struggle the same way I had to when I was a student, when we used to memorize all this information without any real benefit …. For this reason, I am always eager to provide them with state-of-the-art devices to make education easier and more interesting and dynamic to them.”
If Abu Jihad’s attitude towards spending time with his children and education differed somewhat from Abu Ziad and Abu Omar, he agreed with the other two men about the corrosive influence of satellite television. He complained that he is unable to control what channels his children watch, and some channels broadcast unethical or irrational material. He also agreed that a seminar on child rearing and education would not be a profitable use of his time.
Abu Sulaiman owns a grocery shop. He believes that his own absence from the home has resulted in a bad relationship with his son. He told us that his son sees him more as a foe than a father. “Bad friends affect my son’s decisions more than I do, and I feel paralyzed about doing anything to fix this situation. I am starting to wonder whether I should keep working or make myself available to my son, and die starving …” As evidence of how much trouble his absence has caused in the home, Abu Sulaiman told us about his frequent visits to his son’s school for disciplinary problems. It got so bad that Abu Sulaiman requested permission to punish his son in front of the other students, to shame the boy into better behavior.
Abu Sulaiman’s desperation was clear as we concluded our conversation with him. Although he told us that a symposium on child rearing would be a waste of his time, he told us that he wasn’t sure poor and illiterate people like himself were capable of raising their children well. “We don’t know how to be happy together,” he said miserably. “I have always dreamed of having a good time with my family even once, when we go out for a picnic or something and no one loses their temper.” He doubts such a thing will happen, however.
The problem of increasingly absent fathers is one that is clear to people across the spectrum in Syria. Abu Sulaiman’s troubles with his son are far from unique. Yet the economic situation forces many parents to work long days while their children are raised by their peers and the television. Like so many parents around the world, Syrian parents worry about their increasing disassociation with their children and the influence of television on their impressionable sons and daughters.
Some of the names of our contributors have been changed to protect their identity. The names of people interviewed have also been changed. The opinions expressed in our regional pieces reflect the beliefs of their writers, and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or opinions of the Tharwa Foundation and its members.
