Tharwa Foundation

One of the relationships that vary the most between cultures is the relationship between young men and young women.  Religion, custom, and tradition dictate what kinds of interactions are considered appropriate between youths in their late teenage years and early twenties.  For a culture in the middle of change, still finding its place between oriental tradition and Western modernity, this formative interaction is even more fraught with complications and perils.  Today’s youth are influenced by new ideas of liberal movements that describe new ways for young men and women to interact.  These new ways hold great appeal for many young men and women, but they clash with longheld custom.  The result is often an attitude that what is approved for the actor is forbidden to others.  One common example of this mentality is seen among young men who have a girlfriend or even a lover.  They describe such a relationship as important and pleasurable to themselves.  If, however, they have female relatives, they are quick to deplore the idea of those relatives taking a boyfriend or a lover.  For young women, the behavior they allow in themselves they would often abhor in a younger sister.

Conversations with young people in Syria reveal this strong tension between the kind of behavior youths wish to indulge in and their disdain for others who would behave in the same way.

One such youth is Tuman, a twenty-one year old soldier.  Tuman struggled to find himself a girlfriend, and he describes himself as very happy in the relationship.  He finds conversations with her about his life, his family and his friends to be more rewarding than conversations with other young men.  He often speaks with her on the phone, calling her at her house.  “A boy needs a girl in his life – that’s normal,” he assured us.

Yet when we asked him whether he would permit a boy to call his sister at home, Tuman’s attitude changed completely.  “Definitely no,” he asserted.  He went on to explain that, “if my sister had a relationship with a guy, that means she gave him permission.  He wouldn’t have dared talk to her otherwise.”  He explained that in such a situation, the family would put an end that relationship, and if necessary Tuman himself would go beat up the boy who dared to try to have a relationship with his sister.

We asked him how this attitude about his sister meshed with his own girlfriend.  “It’s the girl who gave me permission to have this relationship,” Tuman explained to us.  “That’s judged as abnormal and unrespectable.”  When we pressed him, he elaborated.  The fact that his girlfriend had consented to be in a relationship with him was, in itself, disrespectful to him and to her family.  He told us that he loves her, but then added that he didn’t foresee them getting married in the future.  The mere fact that she was in a relationship with him made him concerned about whether she had consented to be in relationships before.  “How could I know the numbers of boyfriends she had, before she had me?” he asked.

Nabil, a second year geography student in university, described himself as more open to the ide of his sister having some sort of relationship with a boy, though he doubted his family would allow it.  Nabil is notably shy, and admits he is too nervous to even hold a conversation with any girls.  He dreams of talking with a girl, and told us confidentially that if a girl is nice to a boy, it means she has fallen in love.  When asked about engagement, Nabil concluded wistfully, “I’d become engaged to a girl I knew before, but that won’t happen for me, because I can’t even look a girl in the face … I start to blush … I’m too afraid.”

Rula and Naji are two high school students who are in a relationship together.  Naji describes the relationship as normal and beneficial.  “There’s no shame in it, unless our conversations go beyond what they are planned for,” he told us, describing how their relationship remains acceptable and respectful because they are careful to keep their conversations to certain subjects.  “I need a girl in my life,” he added, “so that she may share with me all the private thoughts I have, in a better way than my friends do.  My family understands and agrees with me.”  He concluded, “I can manage my relationships with the girls; I know the lines very well.”

Rula was ambiguous when telling us about how necessary it was to her to have a boyfriend.  “It isn’t so necessary to have a guy in my life,” she told us.  “At the same time, though, his existence is indispensable.”  She, too, describes their conversations as something she really enjoys, smiling as she told us about them

Khaled, a geography student in his last year in university, echoed some of Tuman’s concerns about girls who are willing to be in a relationship with boys.  He admitted to us that he had kissed girls before.  He also, however, admitted that he would probably not be willing to marry a girl who allowed him to kiss her.  If she kissed him, he would always wonder and worry about how many other boys she kissed.  

Nisreen, a twenty-eight year old woman, was willing to give us her opinion on how young men and women should interact.  She told us that her family had always been quick to tell her not to have any relationships with boys, since boys, she was informed, might have a million bad reasons to want a relationship.  She told us that it was important to her to be concerned about the honor of her family and its reputation.

She told us about a particularly formative moment, when she was a child.  An older sister, ten years older than her, was beaten badly for talking to a boy, while Nisreen watched.  This memory seemed to strongly influence Nisreen’s attitude towards boys.  She told us that she would never make the first step towards a guy, and she absolutely refused to be phoned at home by a boy, let alone call a boy at his home.  Yet Nisreen does not entirely hold herself aloof from men.  She smiled as she described how the boys chase her.  “Most of them aren’t honest,” she told us firmly, but she still seemed to enjoy their interest.

Nisreen concluded by expressing her concern that her younger sister did not have as strict standards.  “I’m afraid that my sister, a teenager, may have such a relationship now.  She’s still young, and she could easily be influenced by words, that might lead her to a sad end.  So I always warn my sister to be careful.”

These conversations indicate the tensions that young people in Syria feel between traditional and Westernized conceptions of how young men and women should interact.  Perhaps the most notable aspect of these conversations is the hypocrisy that exists between what the young people condone in themselves and condemn in others.  This hypocrisy is, of course, hardly unique to Syria.  Young people across the world are quick to allow themselves luxuries that they might disapprove of for someone else.  And young men, in particular, are torn worldwide between wanting a physical relationship and condemning women who have physical relationships.  The question in the case of Syria is what these kinds of relationships between young men and young women will look like in another generation or two.

Some of the names of our contributors have been changed to protect their identity.  The names of people interviewed have also been changed. The opinions expressed in our regional pieces reflect the beliefs of their writers, and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or opinions of the Tharwa Foundation and its members.